It’s been a while since I’ve last written anything. I have had so much going on that I WANTED to write about, but was always afraid of what my fingers would actually type. Here’s a quick catch up of the past 3 months of my life.
1. The Man and I broke up a few times (for a weekend at most), but I wasn’t willing to believe that we were truly over. And, we’re not. We made up, discussed moving in together, marriage, and babies in the (somewhat soon) future.
E. My littles were able to come out for Thanksgiving, but MJ had plans with his father’s family to go out of town. The Man joined my crazy family for our first non-pantsless Turkey Day in years. And, not only did he survive, my youngest clung to him like I’ve never seen before.
23. I was not able to afford to have the boys for Christmas this year. So, The Man and I went down to Monterey for a couple of days, and it was wonderfully perfect. Until the day after we got home (yesterday).
So… here’s what I’ve been up all night thinking about. I have this Man, who loves me, for me. He knows my past, he knows my flaws, he knows my scars, he knows my heart. However, I’ve been a dumbass on several occasions, more and more since we’ve talked about moving in together and our future together. I find tiny little things, that truly don’t bother me, but I choose to fight with him about them. I worry that I’m too happy with him and that at some point in the future, he will just break my heart once again. I make up shit in my own head and then proceed to accuse him of things that I KNOW aren’t true. Why the FUCK am I doing this not only to him, but to myself as well?
My heart wants him; my brain is stupid.
I’ve been back on my meds for a few months now, and overall I feel much better. The Man and I have both cut back on our drinking A LOT. Everything is going great, until I start to fuck it up. He’s trying to be somewhat patient, but really… who could blame him for getting tired of this bullshit that I’m putting him through?
Things that I know that are true: He is NOT any ex boyfriend or ex husband of mine. He has a past, as do I; he loves me despite mine. He does NOT hit me, yell at me, control me, cheat on me, lie to me, etc. He trusts me, so why am I making up the worst case scenarios about trusting him in my head?? And worse, foolishly saying or texting him my crazy thoughts? We’ve spent nearly every night together since the 5th of November. He’s my biggest cheerleader, and I his. We complete each other’s sentences and often enough, speak each other’s thoughts. We are a great team together; something I truly have never felt before in my life. I just wish I can get the negativity out of my brain, before it ruins us. Why am I wired to not accept this happiness in my life?
Thanks Ernest, for this reminder today.
I need to learn how to take back control of my life, and to stop listening to the demons in my head. I love him and want him in my life. I can see us getting married and even having babies, even at my advanced age. Being with him, and his love and support, has allowed me to even love myself at times. I need to figure out how to show him my true feelings and love, while keeping the worry demons out.
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